For days, I've been thinking of a good blog topic to talk about. Today, without even racking my brain, I found one.
I ♥ Rainy Days Ü
The earthly smell of the soil, and freshness of the morning dew calms me down and brightens up my day despite the lack of sunny sunshine. At times I love walking in the rain (Which always ends up in me being sick later on). When I was a kid, I used to play Chase with my brother in the rain with dad smiling and looking at us in the front porch. Those were the days.
Today though.. I decided to not drive and commute with the train as I have classes in the evening. As I was enjoying my walk with my Cool orange coloured umbrella, this one motorists driving a Grey Proton Persona just whizzed past me and on purpose, Drove thru a puddle of water on the road! Needless to say, yours truly is ALL drenched. I was aghast.
What's with these Malaysians? It seems like they have totally zero EQ! With wet clothes I boarded the LRT and headed to gym to have a change of clothes. Thank goodness for Spare clothings in my gym bag! Grrrrrr.
Ran through my playlist and found this song. Used to love this! Haven't listened to it in a long time. Hence, included it as a first song on my blog playlist! Enjoy Ü
Built To Last - Melee
I've looked for love in stranger places but never found someone like you someone whose smile makes me feel i've been holding back and now there's nothing I can do
cause this is real, and this is good it warms the inside just like it should but most of all most of all, it's built to last it's built to last
all of our friends saw from the start so why didn't we believe it too? now look, where we are you're in my heart now and there's no escaping it for you
cause this is real, and this is good it warms the inside just like it should but most of all most of all, it's built to last
walking on the hills at night with those fireworks and candlelight you and i were made to get love right
cause this is real, and this is good it warms the inside just like it should but most of all most of all, it's built to last
cause you are the sun in my universe consider the best when we felt the worst and most of all, most of all most of all, most of all, most of all. most of all it's built to last
So... During my weekend slumber party at Janoah's, we decided to play dress up. I get to don on one of her Saree, and she did a really good job with it! Not to mention her superb photo taking skills ^.^
Yes Yes Jan, you do deserve your SLR! ;)
Anyways, Since I'm feeling extremely thick skinned right now, I shall post up a few photos taken. Ü
Jan called this a "Shy Girl" photo. *Laughs*
This is my personal favourite. Ala Bollywood style! :D
Okay, that's just me striking up a post.
The traditional modest chair sitting picture. Trust me, I chosed the best out of the whole lot to post on here. :P
I love the angle on this one. Jan took it while I was busy Twittering. haha! I'm a total Twitter addict!
So there you go... That's me and my best friend, up to one of our crazy stunts.
Lemme just back track a little bit to the morning of the same day. We made Durian Pudding!!!! =D One of my first experiences cooking WITH someone else ever since moving to Kuala Lumpur about a year back!
I know! I'm donning a Grandma's bun with my hair, and glasses! Cindy at her most simple! :D
p/s: Note the Flat Tummy! =D So I Lost 6KG. Toning myself back right now.
Durian Pudding in the Making. It tasted Yums too!! Right Jan? :D I loved it!
That's just me hogging the cam again. Ü I love taking pictures! Capturing every single memory.
Its all in my blood. I'm an Adrenaline junkie! Being the odd one out in the family, I love Fast Bikes. One day, I dream of owning my very own 750CC Ducati! Anyways, forget the bikes for the moment. I shall be a true-Blue Vaz decendant and talk about our very own racing team.
Yes, indeed. I came from a family that possessed racing experiences 40 years way back, when my dad and uncles were my age. Needless to say, they were passed down to the next generations - My brothers and Male cousins. Growing up with more males in the family than my own gender, I was highly influenced with all the automotive chats.
I'm officially a shoo-in "Cool" Dudette with the guys because I know what is a Microtech, and also how it feels like when a car is running on alcohol instead of the normal petrol, Turbo, custom made engines, etc. Sounds alien to you? Not to me.
So, in lieu of an upcoming race, I shall post up some pictures of an actual race day, just in case you've never seen one!
A day with Vaz-Maz Rotary Performance Racing Team
Our Race car's Comfy "Ride" all the way from Johore to Sepang Circuit.
Our Mazda RX Monsters!
Microtech anyone?
Tuning of the Microtech by Wankel Wizard - Mr Edmund William Vaz
Actual Race Night.
So there you go. Another peek into my absolutely fantabulous lifestyle. Ü
Before exiting, I shall also include one of my all-time Tracy Chapman's hit:- Fast Cars. Have fun!
A Living Juke-Box. That's what everybody know me as. It's Simple. I'm a Music Lover and my love includes also a variety of different cultures and languages. Although I ccame from an English Speaking family, at the same time, it is a Muhibbah Family. We have Muslims, Chinese, Indians, Filipino, Mamak, and of course Dutch culture within the family. Yet, we remain close-knitted and there exists a strong bond based on mutual respect and acceptance. Race & Religion, was never an issue within my family. For that, I am terribly glad.
Needless to say, my upbringing is what influenced my variety of tastes in music. They vary from English to Latin to Filipino to Malay to Mandarin to Hindi or Tamil. My current addiction though, hails from a music genius named Allah Rakha Rahman, or more popularly known as A.R.Rahman.
This is an extract of his biography from Wikipedia.org:-
Time magazine has referred to him as the "Mozart of Madras" and several Tamil commentators have coined him the nickname Isai Puyal (Tamil: இசைப் புயல்; English: Music Storm).[4] In 2009, the magazine placed Rahman in the Time 100 list of 'World's Most Influential People'.[5]
I first learnt of this Musical genius from the Oscar winning film of Slumdog Millionaire. Well, Who would not love the ever popular song entitled "Jai Ho" which is then later popularised even more by the sexy girl group- Pussycat Dolls? I was totally hooked! Even more so, when someone extremely close to me is a huge huge A.R Rahman fan! He influenced me even more when he revealed that A.R Rahman actually do compose and sung several English songs as well. Boy, I've been trying to get my hands on A.R Rahman's songs ever since then. I have to admit, I was about to support Piracy by trying to download them off the net. To my dismay, I no longer can do that. So here I am, with the aid of MixPod and YouTube, I'm feeding my A.R Rahman addiction online! Ü
Just so my blog readers can have a taste of a little bit from A.R Rahman, I've included three of my favourite song from him on my blog playlist! Enjoy.
I was contemplating deleting this blog and starting with a new one. I guess, I just can't. Rather than trying to delete my memory, I'm embracing every single bit of it.
.::.A new start.::.
Here are my wishlist:-
That the people that I love, are happy.
That I learn how to smile again.
That i make more time for myself.
That I, whole heartedly, give my blessings to My WonderWall to be happy.
I'm a lover. I Love. I live to love. I was born to Love.
I am, a hopeless Romantic. Regardless of the amount of time I chided anyone for giving bouquet of flowers, it secretly made me feel elated (but i do indeed dislike roses! I love daisies Ü ). I love a romantic picnic with the food basket, a bottle of wine, good slow music and just sitting on a hilltop - solidarity time with the special someone. That, my dear readers, is life; for to me, there is no life without Love. When you Love, you Live.
Needless to say, I absolutely adore Sappy romantic romance movies. I'm not saying thats about the only thing I watch. I do opt for some kick-ass action movies as well, but on certain occasions, all I want to do, is just curl up on the sofa, with my comforter in tow, a glass of wine in hand, a bowl of popcorn in front, a box of tissue which will come in handy, and have a Romance movie marathon.
I'm neither a professional critic nor am I really good at movies, but here are my Top 5 pick of Romance movie of all time. I bear no responsibility if eventually it doesn't suit your taste buds. Afterall, you are indeed entitled to your own choices, as i do with mine. Ü Sit back and enjoy this journey with me. Top 5 All-Time Favourite Romance Movies:-
The Lake House
I first watched this movie after a very dear old friend of time - TJ talked about it to me during one of our many yahoo messenger chats about 3 years back. I've always been a huge fan of Sandra Bullock after her stint in Practical Magic and of Keanu Reeves after watching Sweet November. So when you put two equally talented actors together - the outcome is mindblowing. I love the chemistry between the two of them in this movie. They portray perfectly the message this movie needs to convey - Love transcends Time & Separation. It's about the both of them, staying at the exact same house, by the lake, at the same time, not knowing the existence of one another - because they live 2 years apart. Their mode of communication is through the lake house's letter box which, magically transport their letter back and forward in time to each other. They fell in love through letters to each other and have been trying to meet despite living two years apart. I know, I know. Seemingly untrue, but hey, whatever cream is your twinkie, and I happen to twink this cream! ^.^
P/S I Love You
Ah haaaa...This is where all my Gerard Butler Fetish started! *Swooning mode on* Initially, It was a book written by the re-known Cecilia Ahern. It is a very deep book and I believe it has touches the heart and soul of her many readers (especially the ladies). The story is about Gerry, a man who died of brain tumour. Before he died, he has written letters, meant for his wife which will be delivered to her in ways she never expected after his death, with the purpose of helping her move on. He knew, that it would be difficult for her, and to him, he cannot leave her - just yet. He just wants to remain around his wife, a little while longer. With every letter he wrote, he ends it with s P/S. I Love You which explains the title of the book as well as the movie. This is a definite TearJerker. I can't remember how many times I have watched this and still shed tears.
Hilary Swank portrays the part of the widow to perfection, while Gerard Butler, you asked? He's super sexy in this one. Watch it, to find out! ;)
Serendipity
According to Dictionary.com, Serendipity means The faculty of making fortunate discoveries by accident. In simple lay-man's term; it means Fortunate accidents. How coincidental it is for a man and a woman to actually pick the same pair of winter gloves in a huge departmental store? Even more so, what are the odds of them each taking a side of the same pair and met again many years later? Nil. This is what Serendipity is about. Both of them decided to let fate rule their lives. It does not take place at the time they met, but only many years later when both of them are engaged to other people, and knowing that there is a possibility that both of them may meet one day, intrigues them and both then set out on a journey to find each other, a few days before their wedding to their respective spouses. Interesting, yes no? Tune in to find out.
City of Angels
This is a very difficult choice. I have to choose between two of my ultimate favourites! I actually started loving this movie after listening to its sound track, Iris made popular by Goo Goo Dolls. Ever since I was a child, I've loved movies acted by Nicholas Cage, especially Face/Off. He plays a villain to perfection. In this movie though, you get to see the vulnerable and sensitive side to him. He plays an Angel, who starts getting mesmerized by a doctor (Meg Ryan) after witnessing her shedding tears after losing one of her patient on the operating table. An Angel do not have the capacity to feel, and the moment he saw her crying, he long to feel a tinge of sadness, happiness, pain and most of all, Love.
This movie portrays him, abandoning his status as an Angel to Love. He abandoned his immortality to be a mere mortal where one day, like anyone of us, he can die. Just as he has started to feel, and is in a relationship with Meg Ryan, she met with an accident and passed away not long after. Tragic yet wonderful message incorporated. Watch it, with a whole box of tissue. You'll need it.
Ghost
I was saddened with the recent passing of Patrick Swayze, after battling cancer for nearly 2 years. That has nothing to do with the fact that this movie, starring him and Demi Moore is my ultimate Number 1 Pick. The caption on the front cover of the movie says this:
"Before Sam was murdered, he told Molly he's love and protect her forever."
Indeed. That's what happened in this movie. Its a bout Sam (Patrick Swayze) who was murdered, and came back as a ghost to keep his wife (Demi Moore) safe, and he enlisted the help of a woman portrayed by the ever talented Whoopi Goldberg. A true tale of Love. I mean, how can you not like and fall for the whole electrifying combination of Patrick and Demi? With Unchained Melody by The Righteous Brothers as soundtrack and with a scene like this? Yes! The whole Pottery scene actually hails from this very movie! Needless to say, this movie got me bawling with tears. If it never did to you, I don't know what to say! By Far, this is to me, is the late Patrick Swayze's best work yet!
So there you go. I shall not say much, but only end this blog post with an extract written by the ever so popular Paulo Coelho in "The Witch of Portobello"
"No passion is in vain. No Love is ever wasted. Love is not a habit, a commitment, or a debt. It isn't what romantic songs tell us it is. Love simply is.
No definitions.
Love, and don't ask so many questions. Just Love."
I'm always on the hunt for food. Sweet deserts, spicy food, sour, salty, even exotic food - they all excites me.. How can you not salivate to these:
Donuts from Big Apple's
or this:
This is by far the best Lamb Shank I've tasted yet! It's from Zuup. The meat is so tender yet not overtly soft. Just perfect to the taste buds.
If you're a lover of Asian food, then Korean would be a must try! Doesnt this just makes your stomach grumble?? Ü
Oh maii, and my ultimate favourite!
I Love - Durian Ice Cream!
Ohhhh yes indeed.
So what are your food choices? It would be great to have new places for food that I can venture in. ^.^ After all, I pig out! And i have piggy stuffs in me. And I'm a Pig Ü
I have terrible mood swings, I have to admit. I can go from one cheery mood to a huge blow up in mere minutes when provoked. How do you deal with these mood swings? How do you deal with your emotions? I can never try to hide my emotions. You can see through me. It was as if I'm invisible. So what do I usually do, you're asking? Here are my list of venting system that actually works (at least for me!) :
1. Blast music on my Earphones. Music reflects me. When I'm mad or angry, I blast some alternatives, heavy rock or some head banging tunes. When I'm feeling more mellow, Jazz or blues works great and especially when I'm cheery, Classic rock does the trick!
2. Take a drive around. Just drive. No destinations. Go round and round - by yourself. It helps to sort out your thoughts. I love driving with my windows down, feeling the air on my face helps calm me down.
3. Have a round of sad, sappy movies marathon. The best time to cry. No one would ask you why. Even if they did, blame the movies!
4. Travel! Need I say more?
5. Pick up a new hobby. Recently, I've started dabbling in photography again. I don't know why I stopped initially, but i find great comfort living behind my camera lenses. They give me a sense of peace and focus that I need. Capturing life's wonderful memories and immortalised them.
6. Dance your heart out. If you don't go to clubs, Go to one! Find a nice, non-smoking club and head over there with a group of your friends! (Make sure they're trustworthy ones, so they'll take care of you!) Just dance! Release the endorphins in your body and they make you feel better.
7. Stack up your pillows and punch them! Or you can even hide your face in them and just scream. Let of some steam!
8. Go evangelize. Spend some time at the local orphanage or old folks home. It helps you to have a better perspective on life in general.
9. Act all touristy for the day with your closest girlfriends! I personally love this. Once I went back to my hometown after a huge blow up with my previous college, I went back home. Me and my cousin pretended to be tourists for the day and just have fun in the place where we grew up! We ate sooooooooooooooooooo much and just started acting weird and queer. You see, I come from a little town. Having tourists there, is highly unlikely. You can bet we definitely having people starring at us thinking we're crazy. Oh i absolutely love that. It was funny.
And this, is my ultimate favourite as of now: 10. Work out! I recently joined a gym about 2 months ago. and since then, it has became my home away from home.I'm there almost every day, except for thursdays, where its my rest day. Usual regime would include a 30 minutes on the treadmill. I love running. As a friend of mind always remind me, Running releases endorphins that always make you feel much better afterwards. I've also taken a liking for group exercises such as Body Jam and Line Dance Funk that includes dancing to awesome Rocky tunes. In fact, today, i'm starting on Muay Thai classes! A girl have gt to know some self-defence tecniques, right? Ü
So there you go. My top 10 Feel better things to do. What are yours? Ü
You fell in love. You were in 7th heaven. You broke up. You felt as though the world ended. For me, break ups have never been easy. When I love, I give it my all. I can never fathom how people can just let go of everything that easily. Once you own a piece of my heart, you own it forever. That's just me. After days and days of sitting down feeling like a dead person, I finally realise I had to let go. If it comes back to me one day, then I know it's mine for keeps.
"Sometimes Love comes around. When it knocked you down, just get back up, when they knocked you down."
This song, have helped me through my tough time. It wasn't meant to hurt anyone. It just happens to be my break up song. Maybe One day,Our Love will find its way back.
I hope. I believe. I have faith, i STILL Love.
Over You - Chris Daughtry
Now that it's all said and done, I can't believe you were the one To build me up and tear me down, Like an old abandoned house.
What you said when you left Just left me cold and out of breath. I fell too far, was in way too deep. Guess I let you get the best of me.
Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you, I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you.
You took a hammer to these walls, Dragged the memories down the hall, Packed your bags and walked away. There was nothing I could say.
And when you slammed the front door shut, A lot of others opened up, So did my eyes so I could see That you never were the best for me.
Well, I never saw it coming. I should've started running A long, long time ago. And I never thought I'd doubt you I'm better off without you More than you, more than you know. I'm slowly getting closure. I guess it's really over. I'm finally getting better. And now I'm picking up the pieces. I'm spending all of these years Putting my heart back together.
'Cause the day I thought I'd never get through, I got over you.
As promised, here are a few picture of me looking Sicky Looking. Ü
Day 3 - note the black eye bag -.-
And the swollen puffy bloated face.
This is the medicine used to so called neutralised my thick blood. Guess what it's made off? You'd never guess it right. It's made out of Swine. Yeap. I officially have Piggy stuffs running in my body! =/
I think I look pretty okay compared to the last session i had a few years back. Thank goodness for Pro-sure Milk, that gave me the energy I needed.
Since it's Post cycle One of chemo, I figured I needed a change. *Wink* Maybe I'd get a haircut like this. =D
It's a Cool Sunny Day today Ü . Perfect for gym. My workout regime today includes 15 mins on the treadmill, 1 hour of BodyJam, and an hour and half of Line Dance Funk. Definitely the first time I'm working out this vigorously. I just wanted to see how far I can actually go, after one month of hitting the Gym. Its a bonus for me after finding out about my health issues, and recent happenings, I needed to vent. Gym is my best bet compared to my other alternatives - which includes a very unhealthy round of beers and getting drunk and driving to the middle of nowhere.
Just updated the playlist on my MP4 to more house musics. Absolutely think that Eric Prydz and David Guetta are awesome! Ü
So what else is on my agenda today? Probably dinner night out with the family. Dad's been vomitting consistently these few nights and haven't been eating anything AT ALL aside from oatmeals. No good. ): Its been hard on the family, having have to deal with two cancer patients at home. So Today, I woke up and decided that I should stop moping about my illness. I'll be normal . After all, That's what I've always wanted to be.
I'm glad and thankful that I managed to wake up today to a cheery mood. It determines my whole day and I'm going to try to make it through this day without shedding a single tear! I got my closure last night. It wasn't a goodbye:- I got my answer to all my questions. It's all real. Everything that happened, was real and genuine. Nobody can take that away from me. And for that, I feel so liberated, and happy - because he loves me. Ü Love was never about possession. It's about wanting that very person to have the best in life and be happy about it.
I had my closure. It is indeed, our last goodbye. Thank you for the memories you gave me. They'd last me a lifetime. For every smile you have on your face - Remember me this way.
Just had a chat with Mon². He highlighted something to me that kinda scared me. I realise I don't know myself anymore. What am I? Who am I? I'm no longer who I used to be. I get agitated, I get worried, I get angry, i get emotional, and my mood swings come and go like the flick of lightnings.
I do not like this. I do not condone this.
I want my happy self back. I miss being happy. I miss living. Most of all, I miss being me.
I swear to goodness, this would be the LAST time I'd ever trust a Govt Hospital ever again. EVER.
A week and half ago, I collapsed.. I noticed that my vision problem returned, and I have double vision of everything I see... I can neither drive nor walk on the roads without guidance. Previously, there were a couple of times where I've started nose bleeding. What happened was I went and did a CT-Scan and also a blood test. The lab reports were shocking. It turned out that a benign tumour that I had a few years back, had turned Malicious.
I went ahead and gave it a good fight. Shots after shots of chemo meds, radiotherapies, blended diets, Tramadols, Arcoxias. I started losing hair, intense vomitting and total lack of appetite. to date, I had lost 3 KGs in mere days.
Today though, the vomitting was too intense - consistently since morning.. So I made a trip to the Onco department. Boy... Was I greeted with "GOOD" news. It turns out that there was a mistake in the Blood tests. It was switched. Both of us were of O+ blood. Only difference is... Mine is of a benign tumour. As we speak, the lady next bed is being told that she was the one with a malicious Signet Ring form of tumour - which is one of the fastest spreading tumour.
I'm not trying to be mean, but it was like... The doctor told me that I'm dying, and then a week later, they said "April FOOLS!" . I am so damn friggin %*@($#&%&@#(%#%&V MAD right now. This would absolutely be the one final time i would EVER stay in a General Hospital, ever again.
However, despite the clearance in the blood tests, There IS still a growth. Was it because of the prievous tumour? It seems like its getting bigger. How can I know whether it is or isnt? Looks like I need t be subject to more probes and needle pokes to find out.
Cycle 1 of Chemo done. One week holiday, before deciding if there is a need for Round two. Pray for me!
I'm a master of Lies. You wouldn't know I'm lying even if you're looking at me in the eye. I lied when I said I'm okay. I lied when I said I'll be fine. I lied when I said I'll survive. The truth is, without you, I am incomplete. I go by my days by keeping myself busy, Suppressing the tears and pain deep within me.
I keep telling myself that I'll be fine. When I know I'm not. I cannot do this anymore. I just can't. I wanna leave. I wanna disappear. I just don't want to exist because I don't. Not any longer. The physical form is here, but the soul Isn't. The thread that once held my heart together is broken. I am no longer in the capacity to feel.
You say you love to travel, but you misuse the word Love. Love is a relationship between people.
Your one desire is for the harvest to be a good one, and that's why you decided to love the earth. More nonsense: Love isn't desire, or knowledge or admiration. Its a challenge, its an invisible fire.
If you think I'm but a stranger on this earth, you're wrong. Everything is familiar to me because I come in strength and in fire, and when I leave, no one will be the same. I bring true love, not the love they write about in books or fairy tales.
If there's love among you, you'll have an abundant harvest, because love is the feeling that transforms everything.
But what do I see?
Friendship.
Passion died out a long time ago, because you've all got used to one another. That's why the earth gives only what it gave last year, neither more nor less. And thats why, in the darkness of your souls, you silently complain that nothing in your lives changes.
Why?
Because you've always tried to control the force that transforms everything so that your lives can carry on without being faced by any major challenges.
*Extracted from The Witch of Portobello - Paulo Coelho. Thought It's interesting and would like to share it with you guys.*
Ü
12.52PM - 10/09/09
Midway through my sessions. 1 more to go to complete cycle 1. Aza Aza Fighting!
Sometimes I feel as though I might be bipolar. There's just too many shades of me. There come a point of time where I don't even know which is the real me anymore. I long for freedom from that. A tinge of realness. That's what I need. Maybe it's the tumour? That's the only reasonable explanation I can come up with without hating myself even further.
Have you ever felt like you just want to be free? Free from encumbrances. Free from your own thoughts. Free from judgement. Most of all, free from yourself. That's what I feel right now. If I could, I want to dissaparate Like Harry Potter, or fly on the broomstick to an island where no one knows me Like Sabrina the Teenage Witch. Dissapearing sounds like a GREAT idea - but i know that could never happen. I'm too attached to this world. Too attached to the people surrounding me - regardless how much I keep saying I'm fine and I don't care anymore.
At the end of the day, I am Cindy - In plural form because I come in all types of Shades.
Decided to stay home after all.. I felt so much better, now that I'm no longer cooped up in a room smelled of medicines and with nurses hustling and bustling over every patient. Upon arrival, aunt greeted me with a great news:
My sister in law is preggy! Ü Gineva is going to be a big sister now! (and she keeps demanding for a baby brother! ö ). Another addition to the Vaz Family Clan. :D Hoozah! At least, a good news for the week (:
So yeah, MonMon's gonna take me to hospi for my sessions. Feroza resigned from UNICEF and she's also taking turns with Mon² in sending me to and fro for my sessions. I ♥ them!
In conjunction with the sessions, and a new start, I'm gonna Crop my hair! Was alternating between a boy cropped hair or bop but Peggy refused to trim my lovely locks that short. So I'm gonna settle for a longer hair, BUT Brunette and Curly. Ü That's just so not me! - which is exactly the reason why I'm changing my hair style! Look out for pixxies ;)
Dr Nik Aslan finally relented to my ever persuasive attempt to allow me to start going to gym once again..
"No strenuous exercise. No weights. Stop when you're hurting. Do not push yourself way over the limit - you're so capable of doing that." - was what he said. ;p
So doc.... Body Jam and Treadmill is fine... RIGHT? Ü
As an exchange, I promise to eat healthy - ie blended diets (barfs..) - Sleep early (by midnight every night) - Be a good girl and take my medication and injections (O.o)
Mr Ajit also told me that I'm always welcome back in the office. Contemplating working again.. ;p Maybe after the first cycle.. heh.. Positive outlook right? By keeping myself busy and think less of my cobwebs, i AM trying to be positive! Wish me luck! Ü
I found out someone actually hacked into my Twitter account, and deleted a few of my messages. Whoever it is - That's just NOT the right thing to do. It's my privacy in question here! My messages, my accounts, my blogs are the only thing I have left that will remind me and make me feel like I'm Cindy Eliza Vaz.
Everyday, I wake up feeling like a stranger in my own life. I have to read Post its, Notebook and little messages to know what I did, to know my emails, to know my passwords. As if that wasn't bad enough... Now I have to deal with someonePhysicallyDeleting my memories!
No one can understand how it feels like to wake up each day forgetting what date, day and what happened. It's like I'm gradually losing touch with reality. I'm losing it. I'm Losing IT!
The damn people from Hospis Malaysia was here. Pretentious. They appear encouraging, putting on a fake smile and everything, but they talk as if I'm dying. I'm a fighter. I fight.
I am going to get myself checked out today after my sessions. I'm changing institution. Too many people knows I'm here, and the fake pity they convey disgusts me.
Re-Read New Moon and found these quotes. Depicting exactly my current situation. I'm not sad, nor am I angry or hurt. I had memories. Happy ones. And these memories will last me a lifetime. Love from a distance. I am capable of that. Be happy. I will try.
“I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy.”
One thing I truly knew—knew it in the pit of my stomach, in the center of my bones, knew it from the crown of my head to the soles of my feet, knew it deep in my empty chest—was how love gave someone the power to break you
Love is irrational, I reminded myself. The more you loved someone, the less sense anything made
“Before you, Bella, my life was like a moonless night. Very dark, but there were stars—points of light and reason. …And then you shot across my sky like a meteor. Suddenly everything was on fire; there was brilliancy, there was beauty. When you were gone, when the meteor had fallen over the horizon, everything went black. Nothing had changed but my eyes were blinded by the light. I couldn’t see the stars anymore. And there was no more reason for anything.”
I could see it in your eyes, that you honestly believed that I didn’t want you anymore. The most absurd, ridiculous concept—as if there were any way that I could exist without needing you!
My heart hasn’t beat in almost ninety years, but this was different. It was like my heart was gone—like I was hollow. Like I’d left everything that was inside me here with you.
He was a fool to think you could survive alone. I’ve never seen anyone so prone to life-threatening idiocy.
I didn’t have to look to know who it was; this was a voice I would know anywhere—know, and respond to, whether I was awake or asleep… or even dead, I’d bet. The voice I’d walk through fire for—or, less dramatically, slosh every day through the cold and endless rain for
I promise. Today would be the last day I'd cry for you. I'll be happy - The way you want me to be. One last day. I love you.
Is the mask we use everyday, pretending to be who we are. We believe that the world depends on us, that we're wonderful parents and that our children don't understand us, that our bosses are unfair, that the dream of every human being is never to work and to travel constantly.
Many people realise that there's something wrong with this story, but because they don't want to change anything, they quickly drive the thought from their head. The few that try to understand what is wrong, end up finding -
The Shadow:-
Is our dark side which dictates how we should act and behave. When we try to free ourselves from the Persona, we turn on a light inside us, and we see the cobwebs, the cowardice, the meanness. The Shadow is there to stop our progress, and it usually succeeds, and we run back to what we were before we doubted.
However, some do survive this encounter with their own cobwebs, saying:
"YES, I have a few faults, but i'm good enough, and I want to go forward."
At this moment, The Shadow dissapears and we come into contact with:
The Soul:-
It is the source of all knowledge. Instincts becomes sharper, emotions more radical, the interpretation of signs becomes more important than logic, perceptions of reality grows less rigid. We start to struggle with things to which we are unaccustomed and we start to react in ways that we ourselves find unexpected.
I was reading up on certain analogies and found these exceptionally interesting. At this point, I would have to say I'm still stuck in the stage of being The Shadow. There are so many cobwebs that I'm currently tangled in. Many a times, I wish I could have stand up, proud, and announce that I'm moving forward. Yet, I held back, for fear of going through the journey alone. Cowardice. That's what I am. I would rather run from reality, and pretend as though nothing happened than brace the impact and consequences and move into the stage of being The Soul. Perchance, one day, I shall be brave enough to do that. For now, baby steps is all I'm capable of taking, without him by my side. Find yourself being stuck in a similar position as I am? Maybe it's time to start re-evaluating your life.
I find myself lost without you. It's hitting me, now...
Mon Mon came and bought me tons of DVDs. My dearest and gayest best friend! haha. Its a pity Camera isn't allowed in the Hospi. I would've taken some snap shot of him! Who cares bout Rules... ;p I shall bug my brother for a new Canon to play with! Hoozah! ^.^
So what's on my agenda tonight? Angels & Demons & Harry Potter 6. Okay, I admit, i'm a little bit slow on movies.. I've read both books ages ago and never managed to catch both movies on cinema *Sob* So i shall retreat to my little fantasy land tonight, amidst creepy hospital nurses like Auntie Lee (The cranky Staff Nurse) - ;p
By the way, Blended diet again =.= I seriously hate it =/
I have absolutely failed to sleep. Not even a wink. Me thinks I need a good divertion in case I start spamming my own blog ;p
I have a penchant for incessantly stalking MY own blog. weird. I find it rather funny, its like a diary, yet it can be read by anyone and everyone. I have since stopped writing in my actual diary, because I like how my fingers don't hurt anymore by holding the pen and ardently writing on the paper. ;p I'm Lazy! Its Official. haha!
I wonder whats for tea... Is it the Ban Kacang that is so horribly tasteless and the almost condence milk-like milo or am I in luck to have Kak Shimah smuggle in some "Illegal" food for me :P
Kak Shimah is an awesome "Nanny". Ü She likes it when I call her "Nanny" instead of Missy. It made her feel like a mom. Well, she's 45, child-less, and she loves me Ü She has been my "Nanny" for goodness knows how long, and the best one yet! :D At least she smuggles in food for me, and allow me to illegally charge my laptop battery with the plug meant for oxygen. ;p (It's not allowed to plug in cables and charge anything except your cellphone in a University Hospital). Oh i adoreee her! In return, I have to tell her all my travelling experiences and the wonderful people I met in my life. Easy Breezy. Perhaps, She's just spoiling me. ;p Bratty me!
Okay. I seem to ramble on and on. With seemingly no topic to blog at all. I rant!
Okay. I absolutely hate blended diet. Its a mixture of fruits and vegetables blended for easy consumption down the ras tube. It's like eating, with no taste in mouth, directly to the stomach. How yuckier can that be???????????????????!!
Allright, allright, So I whine. I find myself ardently blog-hopping, and updating my own blog on the hospi bed. Thank God for 3G. I used to complain so much about it, but I am learning how to appreciate it now, for without it, I would finish every single novel that I've brought to keep me occupied throughout this whole month! Currently reading on The Russian Concubine. Woke up to it, Slept to it, and slept with it by my bedside. Its a special book.
Oh, guess what? There's a new Onco in the house. Dr Flora. She's major major hotness. Petite! Just like me Ü She intimidates me with her strictness yet i'm so inspired by her Ü I'm glad I had the best team in the country walking this journey with me.
Hope. Believe. Have Faith. Love.
I miss you.
11.54AM
p/s: I inherited Dad's tiny veins! 3 pokes to drawing blood =/
Just checked myself in. Its funny. I feel like I know some of these people, yet at the same time, I don't remember. I just had vivid images. I remember Michele, the old auntie whom i used to buy newspaper for every day... Also, Kamsiah... The late Kamsiah who knitted a lovely bag and handphone case for me. But the rest, seemed distant. The only smiling face I see is Dr Nik Aslan, my Onco. Well, he had to keep me motivated. A good looking face while going through treatment that might or might not delete my memory yet again, is an encouragement.
I'm brave, I'll make it through. One down today, 9 more sessions to go. I'll make it through. Hopefully!
This goes out to My WonderWall. Baby, You asked me before, whether have you or have you not added value to my life. I couldn't answer you because there was just so many things I wanted to say. I guess, this is exactly the perfect song that describes what you mean to me. I never want you to give up. Didn't we promised each other that we would fight? Let us fight together. I'm never gonna give up. I know you'll read my blog. I want you to know that the past two months of my life, equates the happiness of my lifetime. Please give us a chance. I'll wait.
For all those times you stood by me For all the truth that you made me see For all the joy you brought to my life For all the wrong that you made right For every dream you made come true For all the love I found in you I'll be forever thankful baby You're the one who held me up Never let me fall You're the one who saw me through through it all
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You gave me wings and made me fly You touched my hand I could touch the sky I lost my faith, you gave it back to me You said no star was out of reach You stood by me and I stood tall I had your love I had it all I'm grateful for each day you gave me Maybe I don't know that much But I know this much is true I was blessed because I was loved by you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
You were always there for me The tender wind that carried me A light in the dark shining your love into my life
You've been my inspiration Through the lies you were the truth My world is a better place because of you
You were my strength when I was weak You were my voice when I couldn't speak You were my eyes when I couldn't see You saw the best there was in me Lifted me up when I couldn't reach You gave me faith 'coz you believed I'm everything I am Because you loved me
Flipping through the August'09 Issue of CLEO, this exact article caught my eye. Taking a picture of it from my Camera phone prove to not be a good idea at all for you can hardly read the words without squinting your eyes.
"Blogging, journaling - call it what you want, writing or typing out your thoughts and feelings helps your body more than you know!"
Being fairly new to the blogosphere, I have to admit that this exact quote intrigue me so much so... that I've decided to pen down some of my thoughts on this.
I've always loved the power of words. It expressed your thoughts, feelings, and emotions. My special someone once asked me - Why do i always write about my problems and emotions so easily whereas I don't express them in the same way as I wrote? It baffles me as well. I find that I expressed myself better with words. When I write, I get lost in it. I pen down my anger, my frustrations, my fear, my emotions, my happiness, my guilt, my sin and I know Mr Pen & Paper would not judge me according to my actions.
Perhaps, what I'm really afraid of is being judged by my peers. Peer pressure has been and always will be one stigma in my life where I have to live up to certain standards that was created of me in the eyes of the people I have around me. I have to be who they want me to be; not who I want to be. Of course, my alter ego shows that I am someone who do not care about other people's perceptions towards me, yet no matter how hard I try to deny it, I do care. Hence, the act of me always trying to distant myself away.
Learning to write about my thoughts and perceptions have indeed taught me how to not allow my emotions to rule over me (although at times I still do!). Learning. Grasping. Baby steps. What about you?
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